Relationships VS Anxiety

So, I'm not really sure how to start this or write about it. I just thought that maybe if I wrote about somethings that I go through, then perhaps someone reading ca relate or something... I'm not entirely sure.

In all honesty, as I'm writing this, I'm going through some weird "anxiety" (I think) moment. I just wanted to get that out the way so that I'm totally honest.

So the reason I say "anxiety" I think. Because I haven't ever really be diagnosed by a doctor or anyone as having bad anxiety (even though I say I'm an anxious person), although, I have had two "anxiety attacks" I'd call them, not really panic attacks - because I feel they weren't "big enough" to be classified as that, and I'm just being a wuss for saying I've had panic attacks when they technically weren't, and I seem to be exaggerating.

... I honetly have NO clue if any of this makes sense but it's 2:30AM, and I just wanted to write about this. I find it helps me a bit I guess.

So I wanted to talk about being in a relationship, and struggling with anxiety. Or at least what I say is anxiety, and don't know if it's just who I am and it's just an easy excuse for me? Who knows...

I classify this as anxiety because I am basically fighting with myself and my own mind. I don't think I'll be able to explain well, so I'll keep it short. Basically I find that I can get pretty grumpy, short tempered, annoyed, upset or angry and my boyfriend for certain things that I think normal couples don't have issues with (like my brother's relationship and my sister's marriage).

Normally there is something that my boyfriend will do or say that I will IMMEDIATELY get ratty with him for (for no good reason to be honest) but I can't seem to control my immediate reaction to be ratty or annoyed etc. After being angry with him and expressing it, I feel really bad and upset about being mean to him, because I personally believe that I can be so menace to him, where as he is the SWEETEST and most kindest person you can ever meet - and he still loves me for who I am, and I feel like I seem ungrateful and not worthy of him and his love, because I don't treat him exactly the same.

Now, I understand people are different, and don't think know that I'm this horrible girlfriend who abuses my boyfriend (I'm not that bad!). But at times like these, my mind can't switch off.

I'm usually the person who gets told that they're "boring" and "grumpy" and "lame" etc at gatherings and such, because I want to go tot bed by 11/12PM, and I don't like drinking that much, I'd rather have a huge cup of tea, and also because they (usually close family) , can see that I am upset with my boyfriend for something, and then they all comment.

This evening I was told to not be so harsh on him and not be mad etc, by a couple people, whilst I sat alone in bed because I was supposed to the sleeping but actually couldn't for hours, until I heard what the boys were getting up too, and I got out of bed and told them they were being dangerous, and so I was seen as the "struck girlfriend", my boyfriend should be careful because I'm "coming out" to shout at him or something... things like that really get to me because now I'm worry about me as a girlfriend. I know Mick would never break up with me, and I even know that we are going to get married sometime in the future, but I worry. A LOT.

I don't really need to worry, but I worry if Mick would actually break up with me because he can't take my shit anymore, I worry because I get annoyed easily, and that I'm a "lame person". Something that is really getting me tonight is, myself. I'm really angry with myself. And I think that's why I get angry or annoyed with Mick, because it's actually how I feel about how I am behaving.

I am so annoyed that I am this person who wants to go to bed early, and wants to drink tea and read, and be responsible and boring and grumpy. I get so angry that I can't change how I am, and then I worry that I can't change, and that people will always think this of me. I feel like I'm not an interesting person, and people don't care about anything I have to say, because of the persona I give off. And it's a persona I, myself, am not even happy to have, and it's very frustrating.

I don't want to go on and on, and it's helpful to write this somewhere (even if it's online) but I want to be honest in a place where I think I can't be, so I'm here. I've written so much and I'm sorry, but if you're reading this, thanks for that. It means a lot that someone may be interested to hear what I am saying.

Also, I'm really not crazy and mental and all that, I'm just emotional atm, so I'm expressing (oh dear). Is it normal to feel so stressed out about myself. There are so many things I can talk about about me and how I feel about myself , but I don't want to make this a negative space. I will write about stuff like this though, because it's real & what happens (hopefully not only to me)

I'll read through tomorrow when I'm a bit more calm.

Does anyone else go through something similar?